From Darkness to Purpose: Mike Smith’s Journey Living with Schizophrenia

Written by: Mike Smith

This monologue was originally performed at Let’s Talk Disability! Butte in 2025. During this annual production, Montanans share stories of their lived experience with a disability. These original monologues bring tears, laughter, and relatable moments to audiences year after year in Butte and Helena.

To hear more stories like this one, attend Let’s Talk Disability in a city near you. Buy tickets.

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Good evening. My name is Mike Smith. I’m here to share my music and a bit about my life living with schizophrenia, an invisible disability.

I share my story with you to dispel myths about mental illness and to convey a message of hope.

The following is a snapshot of the many years I struggled with psychosis – seeing things, hearing things, and believing things that were actually not real. It is also my recovery journey.

While my journey back to wellness has had many trials and tribulations, I realize I wasn’t alone. My higher power had my back and has never abandoned me even in my darkest hours.

Like so many kids, my childhood was filled with lots of friends and fun times. I was involved in many different sports. My mom was a loving, caring person and my dad was a good provider. A treasured memory I have of my dad is our fly fishing adventures. My mom ensured we were kids despite the hard work and responsibilities of our farm life. We worked hard and we played hard. We raised cows, pigs, and horses. I enjoyed the horses the most. They were my steady companions when herding the cattle.

As the oldest of 4 kids, I also had big responsibilities within our family life. I found myself in trouble when my siblings misbehaved because my parents had an unrealistic expectation that I could keep my siblings out of trouble. Our household was a bit turbulent, with Dad working as an iron worker, and Mom shouldering the responsibilities of the farm.

My teenage years were a time when my childhood disappeared too soon. It was a time of many firsts. My first back injury, first cigarette, first drink, my first girlfriend, and my first child. At 14 years old, I injured my back while unloading a truck load of 50-pound grain sacks. I snuck my first drink into the local movie theater and cigarettes soon followed. Because of the workload, my parents decided to sell our entire lot of farm animals. This brought on my first bout with major depression and first experience with mental health medication. I was 15 years old. Even as a young teenager, I was a weekend drinker.

Despite these troubled times I excelled in school, welding and making the B honor roll. I was recognized for these accomplishments when my welding teacher came down to the house and told my dad to have me go to the smelter and take a welding test.

I got a job at the smelter, and I was the youngest welder at the smelter. I was oblivious to the accomplishment until my boss recognized my ambition and willingness to work over time.

Mental illness disrupted my welding career because the meds made me sleep. I didn’t like the way they felt so I didn’t take them.

I met my first wife when I was 17 and graduated high school one day and got married the next day. We welcomed my oldest daughter in September. Due to the shut of Atlantic Richfield, I lost my job at the smelter and was one of the first to get laid off due to seniority.

This resulted in another bout with depression. I entered the stress center for the first time. I had opportunities for work at minimum wage which was $6 less per hour than I was making at the smelter. By the age of 19, I lost the ability for steady employment due to my mental health issues.

I welcomed a son in my early 20s. I was awarded disability at the age of 23 with the diagnosis of schizophrenia. I worked odd jobs.

Drinking and mental health issues ended my marriage. I got off meds a couple of times and went back to drinking. Things started feeling better so I thought it was okay to have a drink, and then I felt even better. So all you wanna do is party! Which caused havoc with my responsibilities and relationships. Doctor said I had to quit drinking or I would die. So I went into treatment for a month and felt great. I was working out and lifting weights at 5 o’clock in the morning and the most physically fit. But I didn’t stay away from old friends. They would visit me, and I began to visit them, which led to drinking again.

This led to more unhealthy and abusive relationships. During this period of unhealthy relationships, I entered alcohol treatment a second time. This time it was successful. However, I started gambling whole checks-worth of money. It was hard to sustain a roof over my head so my girlfriend and I lived in the back of a truck covered with a canopy. I soon graduated to a fifth wheel trailer. All told, I was homeless for about a year. My relationships became more unhealthy and I became more depressed. I felt trapped and abused without a way out. I had my first suicide attempt, but it wasn’t my time. I actually had to hold the starter in the motor while my girlfriend turned the engine over, so that we could get me to the hospital. The doctor in Deer Lodge, where I arrived, told me that according to my labs, due to the levels of lithium, I was overdosed and clinically dead.

The Butte St. James Psychiatric Ward on the 6th floor. This ended my disrupted relationships. Here, I met my partner of 30-plus years. It was a true turning point in many ways. I had quit alcohol and was in an alcohol-free atmosphere. Even though I met this beautiful lady, I still struggled with mental health issues, including delusions and my gambling addiction, which needed bailing out. As time went on, life became less chaotic. I was able to parent my son Sam and work with hopes of restarting my welding career.

Michelle always says I was her diamond in the rough. When we were expecting our child, in an attempt to grasp the gravity of my responsibilities, I went to Alaska to make money and provide for my family. This stressful environment landed me in the Alaska state hospital for a couple of months. I was able to come back just in time to greet my premature daughter Mikayla. This event brought about new beautiful but stressful times.

It was in Alaska that I started hearing, seeing, and believing things that were not real. This carried on for 15 years regardless of the medications, however the medications kept me aware and able most often to distinguish that they were not real. However, there were times when I became overwhelmed. I was hospitalized every couple of years. This was hard on the parenting and partner relationships. When I was sick I wasn’t right nor was I kind to my loved ones because I believed the things my tortured mind was telling me. It was living in a nightmare I could not wake up from. This was in my 30s.

Due to our mental health issues we coparented our daughter Mikayla with her maternal grandparents. It was difficult to watch someone else raise our child, but at the same time I was grateful for the opportunity to stay in her life. I began to use my experience to advocate for better mental health services statewide. I got involved with National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and eventually attended Wellness and Recovery Action Plans (WRAP) because I was curious about what it might offer me. WRAP was impactful in my journey of recovery. It was here that I learned the importance of daily wellness action plans that have helped me stay well.

In 2006, I attended WRAP facilitator training, and 2008, I attended advanced facilitator training where I learned to train other WRAP facilitators. In 2006, I went into business with my partner facilitating WRAP. In 2009, I started contracting with the Department of Health and Human Services. Here, I shared WRAP and became a life coach for members on the mental health waiver. 


15 years ago, in my 40’s I had my last major hospitalization.

Here comes the good stuff . . .